me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
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[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.