My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
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Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.