Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
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[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen