the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Aaaa…CHOO!
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.