Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
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I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.