What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
You Might Also Like
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.