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SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.