moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
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Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.