My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
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People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
President The Rock Obama
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks