I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
You Might Also Like
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Banking tips
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see