When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
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I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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