In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
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The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
What kind of a cult is this?
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”