I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
You Might Also Like
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Owl Sanctuary
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air