Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
a lot to unpack here
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”