*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
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I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
me before I type out affect or effect
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
New comic up. “Ransom”
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
some cats are just doing for fun!
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash