Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
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Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
This did not end as expected.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.