I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
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I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy