“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
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Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not