Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
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Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.