I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
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You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
is this a threat
me
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.