son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
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Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
😂😂😂😂😂😂