Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
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[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry