The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
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My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Some people were born into their job.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Liquor Store Parking
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on