Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
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‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
When your parents check you’re ok.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.