Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
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I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids