He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
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wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.