A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
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{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
When they try to steal your moment.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]