got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
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A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her