Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
happy valentine’s day to me
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.