[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
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I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.