[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Wedding planning is organized crime.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.