Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
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Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
*skinny dips into black hole
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.