Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
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me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Personal question. #JustSaying
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.