You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
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Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
My time has come.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.