ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
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[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”