*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
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Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
WTF IS THAT!
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Ain’t no way
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
Planet of the Apps.
A friend helps you before you need it
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name