A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
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ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.