Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
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My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.