I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
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Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Realize this:
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.