Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
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A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
If a snake ate a cake
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Stop.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.