It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
You Might Also Like
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!