No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
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[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire