I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
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I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE