The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”