waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
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[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people