Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
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What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Perfect
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.