Good morning, Twitter 😊
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If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
new career option?
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.