my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
The internet is full of many things
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…