My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
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Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I am a gravy boat captain
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’