*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
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the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it